the need for a safe space
There are so many different ways in which a safe space is necessary. Not just for psychogical protection, but also physical.
Within the remit of gender equality, the experience of Black women is either ignored or sidelined and when it is engaged with, then it is often accompanied by comments such as ‘why is it always about race?’.
This of course, isn’t without consequence. It has forced us to hide our vulnerability and deny our needs and wants and generationally it has become almost taboo to needing help.
At work, we daren't be as open as we would like to be and show our hurt. With friends, we often want to show that everything is fine and that we are coping, when the truth is a bottle of wine or meaningless sex may be our true comfort, out of despair. Then finally we come to loving relationships, where the fear of love itself is so strong that we sometimes embark on a course of self-sabotage and then find a reason as to why the relationship failed.
Being taught to be strong, is just as important as being taught to be vulnerable. That openness and rawness allow others to get closer, to get behind that defensive wall that has been there since we can remember. No one starts out with their walls up, but slowly with life experience and advice from elders, it starts to grow stone by stone.
People believe that we are always strong, so they are reckless with our feelings. They make offensive comments, that we are just expected to swallow. If we don't like it, then we are called 'sensitive'. A word is which is just as controlling as the word 'aggressive'. Once either of those words has been bandied about we tend to be quiet and say nothing more. We are sometimes forced to play up to the situation, by laughing at an inappropriate/offensive joke or comment to avoid being categorised. It isn't always intentional, but we are handled with less care. They don't understand that we are just as soft, if not softer inside than others. We instinctively carry the fear of being hurt because a Black woman's lot is often, to be treated badly and later in life to find something better.
After the podcast, it became clear that a few things need to be reiterated. There is no shame in needing help and asking. There is no shame in being scared of letting someone in, but the reality is that it takes time.
Feeling safe is as much about our partners providing the right support, but also about us allowing them to play that role. In many cases we lack the vocabulary, to have these discussions and this is where I have to say getting help, external help. Yes, I mean a therapist, can help us dig deep and find the right words to express your standpoint but also to help you unpick our personal legacies. Too often we shy away from therapy, as we deem it as a white thing, that we don't need. But in order to truly build strong relationships, especially with your forever partner it is key that we put the work in, to give them a fair chance of coming closer.
I grant you, it isn't easy, but once you are there, the love that you will be able to share will be even better than you could ever imagine. There will no longer be a wall around our hearts, but rather a wall around our relationships. Us against the world.
As Black women, the pressure to live up to certain stereotypes has become too much. Society has tried to rob us of our individuality, our freedom of expression and sometimes our joy. We have to now start to begin to heal ourselves and to allow more light, love and openness in. We can't wait for the world to catch up with our healing, so let's push forward and in order to be able to inhabit these safe spaces that we so desperately need.
