exploitative femininity - destroying gender equity in the workplace
No matter where you look, all research reports confirm the same thing.
There has been no real change in moving the dial in female representation in leadership.
There has been no change at all for Black women and women of colour in the workplace when it comes to their experience.
Both of these facts point to one overwhelming truth, that what is being done so far, isn’t working. We need a radical reset in how we approach gender equity in the workplace. The lack of inaction has its most devastating effect on Black women, who already have the most difficult experience in the workplace.
Throughout my career, I have kept a mental note of not only situations I have experienced, but also of other women and this is what led me to coin the phrase exploitative femininity.
This concept and associated patterns of behaviours that you have probably witnessed are summarized here, and explored further in this video.
Myth #1 is the belief that all women belong to an unspoken, universal sisterhood whose members rally around and support each other in all situations. This myth brings visions of cheering teammates fighting side by side, striving as a unit to achieve gender equality. Hear us roar, as one great chorus, in perfect harmony.
Myth #2 is that women who act or appear traditionally feminine (whatever that may mean in a given time and place) or are perceived as very feminine (with the same caveat), need to be protected, saved, and helped because they are weak and deserve such special treatment. This second myth is insidiously intertwined with the first in professional and work settings as well as in everyday life. Both have as much to do with how men perceive women as with how women see themselves, as individuals and as part of a defined class.
Embracing these myths is common, and dangerous. The element of exploitation arises when individuals masquerade as warriors for equity, dedicated to uplifting others, when in fact they are positioning themselves for personal gain by channeling the very myths surrounding femininity they pretend to despise. Often these women consciously project (especially to men) an aura of traditional femininity — all sweetness and light, dependable but non-threatening. She is the “good girl” that those in power can point to as evidence of their efforts toward workplace equity without actually taking concrete steps toward that goal. It’s all a show, and involves predictable patterns of behaviour in which a perpetrator casts herself as the victim, triggering the expected response of powerful men as defenders. Consider the following stories; if you’ve been paying attention you will likely relate.
A new woman enters the workforce and starts out on good terms with her colleagues. She is capable, dedicated, and determined to work hard and advance her professional standing. What she may not know is that among her workgroup is a woman skilled in the charade of exploitative femininity. At some point, the newer employee questions a process, suggests an improvement, or shines in an unexpected way. The “good girl” feels threatened, and reacts in one of two predictable ways, similar in purpose but with slightly different tactics, designed to maintain her superior standing and ensure her professional climb.
The first tried-and-true scenario involves specific complaints made directly to management and/or human resources. The new colleague is accused of being too aggressive or direct, or intentionally wresting the focus from the good girl, leaving her feeling isolated or undermined by the interloper. She may present these complaints sweetly, allowing that the new colleague may just not understand “the way things are done” in this environment. Whatever the dramatic twist, these complaints often succeed in eliciting the protective impulses of those in power. They will not allow this brash new hire to bully their favorite; her carefully constructed illusion of victimhood serves her well.
The second method involves crowd-sourcing the abuse of the new colleague with an internal campaign against her. Cliques form, selective (dis)information is shared with specific people, the office gets progressively chillier. The new colleague is isolated by this behaviour. Her progress is stymied and her recourse is limited. By the time she realizes the level of coordination against her and approaches management, human resources, or a (hopefully) trusted colleague or mentor, it’s too late. She has already been painted as the aggressor or worse, the disruptor. It is often a matter of time before she leaves the company.
These scenarios are particularly damaging to Black women in the workplace. Many studies have confirmed that Black women are most likely perceived to be the aggressor when judged against the weaponised tears of white women. Unfortunately, due to the lack of managerial support, lack of understanding around the specific hurdles Black women face and the lack of trust in terms of credibility, Black women make for a disproportionately easy target. Being the new woman in the office brings its own burdens, but being the only Black woman is even harder.
When Black women go into any office, their immediate question is, ‘is it safe for me here?’ “Good girls” are very good at exploiting this uncertainty. The manipulative “good girl” will be the first to invite her new colleague for coffee or lunch. She will at the beginning provide the safety and comfort that is needed. She will also understand and be well-versed in the problems Black women face, how much longer it takes to build relationships, how much more difficult it can be for people to vouch for Black women, so in many cases (abetted by her deceptive skills) she will be difficult to root out. The damage done not only severely affects the specific women she targets, but is an insidious blight on the culture of an organization that is trying to be more inclusive.
It takes courageous leadership to recognize and defang a poisonous pattern of exploitative femininity in the workplace. Surely that one “good girl” can’t be the victim in every situation? Can she possibly be bullied all the time, no matter how far up the corporate ladder she climbs? Have your attempts to protect her created a monster? Have you been manipulated? These are hard questions, and it will be painful to confront the truth and act upon it. As the manipulator/good girl achieves more significant positions within the firm, she becomes part of the fabric. She is in the room, influencing or making decisions that affect all staff, especially other women. Sisterhood be damned, she’s getting what she wants.
Colleagues at every level witness this behaviour and cannot expect management alone to deal with it. This is where allyship, a true sisterhood, is necessary. We cannot change a system of inequity without rooting out those who manipulate that very system for personal advancement. The damage is two-fold. The manipulators, skilled in exploitative femininity, are held up as examples of progress (“oh, look! that ‘good girl’ is part of upper management now!”) while they simultaneously uphold the system that prevents *all of us* from the benefits of opportunity and subverts any real fairness. The individual successes belie the reality of all those women squeezed out; our silence sounds a lot like collusion.
This dynamic is rife in the diversity and inclusion space as well, where erstwhile allies benefit themselves without a correlative, broader impact for those they presume to uplift. A case in point is Robin D’Angelo, whose concepts of “white fragility” may be well-intentioned but functionally have little real-world impact (at best) or (at worst) serve to entrench that they seek to dispel. While enjoying praise, celebrity status, and book sales for highlighting thoughts about systemic racism and making those conversations mainstream, D’Angelo somehow also makes herself (and by extension, all white women) the focus. White people are told how to identify and confront their privilege, what they should and shouldn’t say, and how to deal with feelings of being attacked, or guilty, or confused. What is much less clear is now exactly any of this wailing self-analysis actually uplifts Black people.
Once again, a carefully constructed persona, complete with intentional positioning that obscures the larger vision and people's desire to take action, creates an illusion of success. In this context, an author/speaker/influencer is thought to have done great societal good without serious analysis of who has and hasn’t benefited. What could be a helpful voice drowns out more relevant voices. The “saviour” gets the glory because they have anointed themselves the one to lead the charge rather than using their inherent power behind the scenes to amplify voices that matter more. The focus on White people “doing the work” on a personal level diverts attention, resources, and passion from forging true solutions, and upholds the hierarchy that underlies the inequity.
Let’s be clear-eyed about race and gender. Many women masquerade as fighters against injustice and sisters in arms, but the real fight is to be and stay aware of toxic behaviours and to understand that not all people are motivated by good intentions. We have to be focused and intentional about understanding racism, not merely as a concept but how it is present and deeply ingrained in every part of life, and how many people who understand it seek to exploit it for their own gain.
We can build a better society as long as we keep in mind that it is not someone else’s job, but rather that we all have to be willing to confront the hidden ugliness and take action to prevent, deter and fight it, while celebrating the camaraderie of all those who are honestly and meaningfully fighting against injustice.
#genderequity
